Recipe for Holiday Fruitcake

Fruitcake? Who actually eats fruitcake for holidays any more? I know this is a little out of season, but maybe Christmas will come early this year. Maybe someone you know has an ‘unbirthday party” coming up. Maybe you’ll change your mind and make it for yourself after reading the following recipe handed down through my wife’s family. I present it here for the enjoyment of our friends and family. Please remember to eat cake responsibly…

Recipe for Holiday Fruitcake


  • 1 cup butter
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 cups dried fruit
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • walnuts
  • 1 bottle whiskey


Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl, then chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar.  Or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window, check the whiskey again, and go to bed.

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